When desire feels mismatched, both partners often experience distress, though it may show up differently. In great sex lives, as in great relationships, both partners take an active role in ensuring that both partners are happy. This may involve being willing to initiate, as well as being willing to be flexible if you don’t get a full yes.

You might not want to have sex until your partner initiates or creates a romantic context, and then interest builds. This is extremely common in women and long-term relationships. While sex can be a sensitive subject, especially when there is a mismatch in libido, talking about it is essential. Respectfully communicating about each other’s feelings, insecurities, desires, and the reason for the low desire can lead to a better understanding of the issue.

I’ve worked with a lot of couples with mismatched sex drives to help them feel connected and improve their sex lives. Here’s everything to know about having mismatched libidos in your relationship. If you’re struggling with mismatched desires or feeling disconnected from your partner, therapy can help. Couples therapy can help you work thisromances.com through communication hurdles and rediscover your emotional and physical intimacy.

Your Communication

By gradually creating a horny vibe, it’s more likely that the person who wasn’t initially in the mood will naturally get there, leading to more effortless, enjoyable fun for all, Dr. Vencill says. Each day, think of ways you can be more affectionate, caring, thoughtful, kind and patient with your partner. Do these things because you’re focused on why you love your partner. When you’re focused on what you’re not getting, you’re not focused on what you are getting. It’s from that place of abundance and seeing all of your partner that more intimacy, trust (and ultimately sex) will happen.

Sex therapy can provide valuable insights and strategies for managing mismatched sex drives. Creating a safe space to talk without being critical or defensive is crucial for discussing differences in sexual needs. When partners feel judged or criticized, it can lead to negative feelings such as guilt, resentment, and low self-esteem, as well as hurt feelings. To prevent these negative emotions, it’s important to approach conversations about sexual desire with love-based emotions like respect, humor, and appreciation. In any relationship, acknowledging and respecting the difference in sexual desires is crucial.

Neither approach is “right” or “wrong.” The challenge is that without recognizing these differences, both partners can end up feeling misunderstood. Scheduling intimate time can be a useful way to address differences in sexual libido between partners. It helps to set clear expectations and provides a structured approach to intimacy. Effective communication fosters emotional intimacy, which can positively impact the couple’s sexual connection.

The partner with higher sex drive may feel rejected, while the partner with lower sex drive may feel guilty. These hurt feelings can create emotional distance if left unaddressed. With empathy, understanding, strategies, and sometimes professional help, couples can address the issues, reignite the passion, and improve their sexual and relationship satisfaction. As a relationship and sex therapist, I often remind couples that the goal isn’t to eliminate differences. Healthy relationships aren’t built because two people have identical libidos.

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Sexual desire discrepancy (when partners have different levels of interest in sex) happens in both heterosexual couples and LGBTQ+ relationships. Desire discrepancy research shows these differences are normal and often distressing, but couples who address them openly report better outcomes. Mismatched libidos don’t mean your relationship is broken—they mean you need new tools to navigate intimacy together. Navigating different sex drives in a relationship can be a difficult and sensitive topic. It can be difficult to talk about, and it can be hard to find a balance between the two partners. It is important to remember that both partners have different needs and desires, and it is important to be respectful of each other’s feelings.

• Compromising when you and your partner have different sex drives can be difficult, but it’s possible.
• Therapists and counselors specializing in sexual health can offer insightful strategies tailored to both partners’ needs.
• This dynamic is explored further in Sexual Health in Long-Term Relationships, which looks at how desire changes over time and why that’s normal.
• Partners who want more sex may take their partner’s rejection personally and feel frustrated and angry.

Honesty is key in discussing mismatched libidos, but it’s equally important to be sensitive to your partner’s feelings. Share your true feelings and desires, but do so in a way that is considerate and empathetic. Instead of focusing solely on sexual activity, consider other forms of physical and emotional intimacy that can help strengthen the bond between you and your partner. Holding hands, cuddling, massages, or simply spending quality time together can build closeness without the pressure of sexual performance.

We are complex, interconnected creatures, and this means many different factors can affect libido. You and your spouse need to work on connecting in the greater context of the relationship in the day-to-day, not just on what is happening sexually. Reducing pressure around sexual intercourse can actually increase the lower-desire partner’s interest over time. Partners are both responding to different internal drives that affect their sex life. Spontaneous sexual desire occurs randomly, with or without stimulation.

The goal is to get to a point where the one who tends to initiate more feels like they can read their partner’s level of interest well and like they have a decent shot at getting a yes. Meanwhile, the lower desire partner needs to feel like they can say no without worrying too much about their partner’s reaction. So what needs to change in the relationship, sex life, or individual partners’ lives to make the lower desire partner actually want more sex?

This may include one partner having sex even when they are not in the mood or the other using masturbation as a means of increasing their sexual hunger. Engaging in a new sexual activity together may spark that previously experienced pass, or some simple distance may also do the trick. The first step is to keep in mind that neither partner is wrong for how frequent or infrequent they desire sex.

That’s when the discrepancies show up and it’s almost inevitable that one person will want more sex than the other. We often see couples wait years before seeking help, believing they should solve this alone or that the problem will resolve itself. The truth is, mismatched drives rarely improve without intentional strategies and often benefit from professional guidance. Reaching out early prevents years of accumulated hurt and distance.

Mismatched Sex Drives: What To Do If You Want More (or Less) Sex Than Your Partner (podcast Episode

Once you know these things about one another, you’ll have the intel you need to tackle the next steps. You also know what the partner who is proposing sex really needs, and can come up with a plan b together. For instance, maybe instead of having sex you’ll take a bath together while talking about your days. It helps better understand what sex acts might be on the table when one or both of you are in the mood for sex. But it can feel especially sensitized when there’s an issue that needs sorting.

A 2015 study suggests that sex drive discrepancy negatively affects sexual and relational satisfaction. However, these outcomes might be more pronounced in people in long-term relationships compared with those in short-term ones. Compromising when you and your partner have different sex drives can be difficult, but it’s possible. With open communication, understanding, and patience, you can find a balance that works for both of you. It’s important to remember that your partner’s needs are just as valid as yours. It is possible to make it work when you have different sex drives.

This could involve compromises, trying new things, or setting certain times for intimacy. Sex coaching can provide personalized approach for navigating these challenges effectively. In that case, Dr. Fogel Mersy suggests reflecting on (and experimenting with) what turns you on. Often couples get caught up in a sort of tug-of-war where both think that their position is the correct one and this just furthers the divide.

It also allows couples to adjust their strategies for intimacy accordingly. Sex therapy can also potentially provide education on why one’s libido is on the higher or lower end. This type usually feels desire but is too preoccupied with other life issues to seek partnered sex and may masturbate regularly. For instance, a nationally representative British sex survey found that about 1 in 4 adults in relationships reported experiencing this issue in the past year alone.

It’s very common for couples to experience differences in their desire for sex or libido. Whether It’s an imbalance impacting a short or long term relationship, couples can learn to navigate their differences and experience enjoyable sex. Evidence-based therapy involves interventions that are scientifically proven to be effective for particular issues.